getting comfortable with no

Getting Comfortable with Saying NO

The conversation about boundaries is a popular one.

So let's get real.

What we're really talking about is our capacity to say No.

It's simple, yet we've made the idea of boundaries so confusing.

Ultimately a boundary is a NO.

So how has saying NO become such a difficult thing and how can we cultivate a more loving relationship with the capacity so that we feel empowered in our NO, rather than guilty.

As I started to tune into this topic, I was reminded of when my daughters were two or three years of age and the stage of development where they began to say NO.

"Here let me help" NO
"Let's put your shoes on" NO
"Have a drink" No
"Time for bed" NO

Many people call this time the terrible twos and I'm sure I thought they were terrible at times myself.

I think now that they might have felt terrible because of how I responded to my daughters NO and the expression of their Will.

I recall feeling hurt and offended at times when my daughters would say No to me. When I reflect back, I can still connect to the feeling of rejection. The feeling is stronger than the memory of the things I said but here are some possible words that come to mind.
"Don't be rude"
"Fine, don't ask for my help then"
"I won't help because you said you don't need me"
"That hurt my feelings"
"Do it, for me"

I remember withdrawing at times feeling indignant. This body memory isn't just from my own experience as a mother, but my experience as a child, an employee, friend, partner immersed in Disconnected Domination Culture. (@Marion Rose Ph.D)

I certainly didn't consciously welcome and encourage my children to say NO. Had I, they might have turned into defiant brats who were disobedient, naughty and disrespectful!

Well, that's what I told myself.... and that's what the Disconnnected Domination Culture tells us as parents.

Guilt, blame and shame are the tools used against us to keep us disconnected from ourselves and our power. If we feel powerless we're easier to control. These tools we use against ourselves and others because we've been taught to. We have internalised these tools and they now form the operating system that dictates our Yeses and NOes.

This is why NO can feel like such a stretch and why boundaries are a constant area of improvement for most people. When a NO is given it's loaded. It's loaded with cultural conditioning and family programming like what I thought and taught to my girls way back then.

For the last 3 years I have been actively creating a space in my home, heart and family that welcomes NO.

The internalised messages my children have from their early childhood are gradually changing and being replaced by messages that celebrate their NO as much as their YES. I am invited to meet any forms of guilt, shame or blame that come up within myself in relation to their NO, my NO and other peoples NO.

This is a healing process and one that invites us to lovingly hold the times our NO was met with shame, blame and guilt.

I am so wiling to support you to healing these parts and increasing your capacity to Say No and to feel the power of it.

This is your birthright!